The 54th Deadline: Once Again

Janis (Glow)
Art by Hans C. Chow

It has been awhile. Well, a long while in fact. A few months to be exact.

I have neglected this blog. It’s not a good practice for someone who wants to get his life put back together. It’s been a challenging eight or so years (and counting).

A lot of pain. A lot of numbness. A lot of confusion. A lot of aspirations.

So many emotions. So many thoughts. So much time.

But yet, I keep trying. I just keep trying to figure it all out regardless. Maybe I am that stubborn and don’t know how to quit.

I realize that I could have just given up at any point. I could have just said “that’s it” and be done with it all. Settle. Accept that my life is not going to get any better rather than trying to push myself.

Well, that’s not quite accurate. If anything, I have just been essentially dragging myself. That would be a better word to describe it. Motivation is fleeting. You can’t rely on it to be a constant catalyst or source of fuel. It comes and goes just like that. It tapers off at the worst times when you need it most.

These past few months have been hard for me in this sense. Very hard.

I don’t want to be melodramatic and call it suffering. I have suffered before, and these feelings are not the same. More than anything else, I believe I am just discontent – discontent with the current state of my life in a lot of ways.

This is why I want to start blogging again. Years ago, I started the original blog as something to get me through the worst of being long-termed unemployed and feeling like complete crap.

At times, I just vented. I rambled. I tossed whatever that came to mind at the time into that blog. I breathed life into that blog to keep me going. It gave me a purpose.

Too Committed to Quit

As time went on, one thing after another, blogging (like many other things) fell by the wayside. That was not my intention. Far from it, in fact.

I loved blogging. I still do.

It was such an ideal outlet for someone like me with a million ideas and thoughts racing through the mind and nowhere else to go but into a blogging platform. It kept me sane. It allowed me to be honest with myself when the world around me felt like it was just moving on ahead of me.

For this blog, in particular, I am annoyed at myself that I just stopped at one point. Things kept popping up. I distracted myself with my own equivalents of vices. A lot of unhealthy ones at that.

However, I am not the same fool I was years ago who was too immature to realize it.

I needed to make a positive change in my life again, which is why I want to begin CONSISTENT blogging.

I still don’t quite know how frequent I want to do this. I may not know what the content will be exactly. But, hey, I am tired of wasting money trying to keep this domain without being more responsible with it.

I originally wanted to take my blogging to the next level, yet I got too intimidated by it at some point. One excuse after another…

Heck, even just a few weeks back, I even thought about pulling the plug on this blog entirely. Luckily, some second thoughts snapped me right out of it. I have invested so much of my own soul into this blogging spiel. I can’t just call it quits right now! I am too deep into the game!

It is something I really need to fix in my life. I need to become more courageous, and for once in my life, I need to STOP BEING AFRAID OF SUCCESS.

Yes, it is an odd thing to say. Who would be afraid of success? Who in their right mind would have any fear to achieve things?

Well, for me, it’s more of the fact that I just kept getting thwarted by my own insecurities. I have so many grand visions of where I want to take my life, and yet I am not executing a cohesive plan of attack to get where I want to be.

You know what? I need to keep trying. Again. Again. And again…

It doesn’t matter if it takes 500 more times. A thousand. If I want any darn chance of putting my life together for real, I just have to pick myself up and go for it.

Life isn’t going to wait around for me. I need to show gumption. I need to be the one driving toward my destination with everything I possibly have!

So starting right now, it begins. Again.

“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Pham

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Also published on Medium.

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