“To fight battles others cannot see every day is a soul-draining, taxing endeavor.”
I am my own worst enemy because I continue to enable the negativity to keep popping back up in my life. I revert to inefficient cycles of moving forward a bit and then ending up back where I started. It’s a very back-and-forth dance I have grown accustomed to, but I want this particular waltz to end. Please!
Each day, with some sense of optimism, I tell myself that today is going to be the day. Today is going to be that one day I really make a breakthrough. But it was no different today. I shouldn’t be so impatient. When it happens, it happens. Until then, I can only hope for the best.
But in the meantime, there are lots of hidden battles. They are bouts with doubt. They stem from personal struggles of feeling worthless and being unable to realize my true potential as an individual.
I have been fighting these hidden battles for more than five years now. Even before I started this blog, I technically had a lot of depression building up. Those later years in college did a number on my well-being. I was too damaged after a certain point to realize how much repair I was due, at least if I wanted to patch up what was already in the process of shutting down.
If I could have done something back then, maybe now I wouldn’t feel so fragile. Maybe then I wouldn’t so unstable, always on the brink of undoing all of the positive progress I have made throughout this time.
Take this past evening as a prime example of what I mean. I was about to sit down and do something productive. I wanted to write sooner. I wanted to concentrate on just practicing some concepts.
What did I do instead? I napped. But not in the manner you think. I napped because I felt depressed.
I felt sad.
I felt like my energy and motivation got sapped away by life itself.
I just did not feel like doing anything.
So I slept.
And though one could argue that rest is important, taking this kind of nap when I wasn’t feeling weary just causes me to think I just wasted time more or less.
And sure, after waking up, I did feel better about things, even if only through temporary relief. But gosh… I really need to get my act together.
I am reaching another point where I want to pour my heart out and just let someone know about why I am feeling the way I feel.
However, I am also reluctant because I have been down this path before, and it all would cost me big time. A lot of people dropped out of my life because I fell down that downward spiral of self-defeating thoughts and pessimistic logic.
To demonstrate that I have learned my lesson, I don’t want to repeat those lame mistakes again.
Though what I am feeling now is probably just a fraction of those more intense thoughts back then, I am more experienced and aware that something has to be done.
Something drastic must occur.
Something substantial with real impact should be the next move.
Otherwise, I am doomed to suffer through another episode of one of the worst experiences in my life as a human being.
I would not wish it on anyone, even my worst enemies, when it comes to succumbing to that kind of darkness. It turns your world upside down, and the only thing to seep out is bad emotions.
Sadness. Anger. And other types of sappy drivel we don’t like to share openly with others. Yeah, that kind of stuff…
Especially lately, I feel like I am more or less putting up a bit of a facade. I am on the cusp of either overcoming this or losing it all. It’s the fine line I am walking. I want to be strong, but I am scared to screw up. And this fear of screwing up makes me nervous.
And being nervous just makes you uneasy. So I am just extremely uneasy about it all.
I try to balance it out with some happy things. Laughter. Jokes. But they can only do so much.
For this week in particular, I want to see if I can alleviate some of the pressure that is starting to build up. I am hoping that what I am going through at this very moment is just another mini-phase.
These hidden battles suck. Deep down, I want more allies to guide me through this mess, but I feel too guilty to ask for help again.
I have done so much wrong dragging others into my problems. I feel like, ultimately, these are my battles to fight alone.
Or am I wrong to think this way?
“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction
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