The 54th Deadline: Composure

“People who can keep their cool no matter what can persevere through anything.”

As I have grown older, I have realized I have always lacked a lot of composure as a person.

Composure is something I wish I had more of, in abundance, especially when life forced me into a corner and made me rethink everything. The fact is, if I could have composed myself a lot better as my world was falling apart, everything would have certainly played out differently.

More than five years ago, as the effects of long-term unemployment began to sink in, I simply crumbled.

I was living at home with my parents.

I had no job.

My bank account was depleting.

I just played a lot of video games to pass the time, just hoping things would magically change overnight.

In reality, what I really needed was to compose myself. I needed to bring everything back together, evaluate the problems and then deal with them accordingly.

Yeah, I was going through a rough patch. Back then, I attempted to justify it. But whether it was rational or not, I was in a tough spot. I let the crap pile on, even though I had all of the tools to hack away at the base before it all built up any further.

Instead, I was a weak fool. An incompetent, immature and cowardly clown who had no business trying to get his life together if I couldn’t handle the early signs of an emotional meltdown.

My problems grew more and more out of control. It would be a long time before I actually, and I mean genuinely, began to “heal” from the pain and whatnot.

And this was all because of a huge lack of composure on my part.

Just thinking back throughout my life, I wish I could be just a bit cooler here and there. I wouldn’t have had to stumble around, never completely maturing from the social anxiety-riddled kid who was always so shy and hesitant to be bold once and awhile.

I regret that now, but it can’t be helped. That’s all in the past. And the current me has all of the necessary motivation to rewrite the script. I don’t have to let things play out this way if I can at least influence some variables in my life.

For example, anger was something really getting out of control in my life.

It is a strange thing to admit. For anyone, for that matter. The angry thoughts and feelings… They just never go away.

Despite all of the internal suffering. Despite all of the sad moments. Despite all of the depression weighing me down. Anger has always found its way back to me in some shape or form.2128709_1320189934337.28res_354_458

In the midst of it all, I did try to get my life together. I really did.

I had a lot of false hope in chasing after elusive dreams. And when those dreams disappeared before my eyes, a rude awakening would slap the hell out of me. I became even more of an emotional mess when I finally let it all take effect.

Naturally, one of the (unwanted) emotions would be the expected contempt. I had contempt toward a lot of people for a variety of reasons.

They denied me for a job.

They left me high and dry.

They passed over me like I didn’t matter.

They ignored me.

And a whole lot more. At least, this is what the me from five years ago believed with all of his heart. Again, I was an emotional mess. A lot of things did not feel right for me, so certain things just manifested into ugly, vile and (basically) scary consequences.

I became disinterested in life.

I lost a lot of passion for things I once cared about, or at the very least my passion just declined as more time passed.

I was deteriorating. I wasn’t dying per se, but I felt like I was dying from within and it was like I was losing my very soul as a person.

I was supposed to do great things right off the bat. I was supposed to make something of myself and make others proud of me.

I had a lot of positive thoughts, a lot of ideal motivators, but all of this seemed rather moot when the depression symptoms gradually overpowered the good in me.

But yeah, anger became something that lingered. No matter how bleak things got, anger always stuck around, as if it was something to keep me partially invested in carrying onward while all of the painful stuff continued to wound me.

In particular, I just remained mad at those particular people. For whatever reason, I kept putting out some kind of reason as to why I should remain irate toward them.

I was definitely mad at a lot of people more than five years ago. I shouldn’t be so mad at them. Even to this day, I wonder why these grudges persist. I really wish I could just wipe the slate entirely clean and rid myself of this negativity.

I wish I could inflict myself with some form of selective amnesia that just allowed me to forget those situations entirely. Maybe then, I could move on with my life without ever having to think about something that had “wronged” me back then.15b74a0f04801e39e2bee75ae466d1b4

I was vulnerable back then because I was already on the verge of collapse. It just made me an easy target for the bad stuff to occur in droves. I do believe I wanted some scapegoats to point the finger toward as I was falling into my downward spiral.

But all of this, looking back it now… It all seems so petty.

I can say now that a lot of my problems just stemmed from not having a job. It was the root of the matter.

I wanted to get a “good” job with my degree, so I waited.

But because I waited so long, I was setting myself up for a lot of impatience and, in turn, putting myself into an all-no-nothing mess.

If I could land a “good” job, then my gamble would have probably been worth it. If not, I was going to prolong my stint with unemployment, and thus my problems (though it would lead to the creation of this personal blog of mine) would all eventually occur as a result.

Going back to the composure thing, if I could have been at least 50 percent more composed, a lot of things definitely would have been different. Actually, if I would have had ideal composure, this is how I would have gone about the whole “ordeal” as my mind once thought of it as…

I would have just found any job, whether it was professional or otherwise, to tide me over instead of trying to wait around for my dream job.

That in turn would have made me dodge the bullet for a lot of emotional backlash from pouring my heart into something and letting it all be yanked away without a moment’s notice.

This is because the logical thing to do back then, especially as a new graduate, was just to get a job to make sure I had money coming in, save up and then apply to a professional job I wanted while I worked to keep both my sanity and bank account figures healthy.

See? Composure would have gone a lot way. But because I lacked it back then when I really needed it, I just was not approaching the problem at hand in the right manner.

I see it all of the time when I play video games, actually. I could be more of a consistent player, but I lose composure over stupid stuff and then I go into a major tilt and perform horribly.11357572_1597512983832407_1980458972_n

The same can be said about what happened to me more than five years ago. I lost so much composure that me bumbling around should have came as no surprise. What a disaster!

Still, I have learned a lot because of the bad stuff. That’s the silver lining. I can still keep trying to make it right. I can still take my shots to fix what I screwed up. I just need to have a better sense of composure.

If I could be cool and collected all of the time, I wouldn’t even have half of the problems I have now. I could just brush off anything, no matter how large or small, and carry on my business like it’s not even a setback. What a wonderful thought…

Honestly, it’s a great power to say you are a very composed individual. I wish I could say that about myself, but I do have a tendency to get jumpy and mess up when the pressure gets too dicey for me.

However, like I always try to explain, I am glad a lot of things did turn out OK after all. I would not have come to these conclusions at this point if I did not experience all of the really dreary situations firsthand. And of course, the positive aspects amid the depressing problems were always pleasant when they popped up here and there.

I am a better person because of it all, but I still have a ways to go. I need to work on composing myself when the going gets really tough. I need to be able to focus and concentrate when everything just seems like it’s there as a challenge.

Yes, that’s a good way to look at it. A challenge. Life is just challenging us all to sink or swim, so to speak. The challenges are often daily, but what matters is what kind of attitude you have in the face of all the random adversity.

“Complete the process.” – Nhan Fiction


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