Throughout my time as a kid in school, I have always been a bad test-taker. When I studied and applied myself, I could usually end up with decent-and-up grades. It wasn’t a matter of intelligence. More than anything else, it was nerves.
Over the years, I don’t think this trait has left me. As I have struggled to put my life back together in these past few years, I think of it as a giant, elaborate test. A daunting one at that in a lot of ways.
But here is the thing.
I know what I need to do. I know the answers. So why can’t I just write them down and be done with it?
This mental paralysis is hard to quantify. It’s frustrating because it defines my past few years well. There have been lots of personal triumphs. Albeit, a lot of those stemmed from me being “lucky” so to speak.
Back then, I wished for independence, and I got it. But when I found myself on my own, just kind of sifting through life. Not quite coasting. Not thriving.
It is like everything has become so numb. Days pass by before I know it. It’s a constant blur that scares the hell out of me. At this rate, I will miss my chance. Time’s up after a while, right? Why am I wasting every second when I could just hack away at this “test” that keeps stressing me out.
Again, I know what I must do. I know what I want from life, but I am not putting the correct answers while I have them in my mind for some damn reason.
Your Own Worst Enemy
Without being sarcastic, I amaze myself at times. I surprise myself at both being pathetic and brimming with hope at the same time. Quite the contradiction, don’t you think?
Sometimes drowning in my pool of despair in my mind.
This “test” is my ticket to bigger and better things if I can score well on it. Something deep inside keeps paralyzing me.
You stare at a test way too long that it will start playing tricks on you. You freak yourself out and make boneheaded mistakes, even when you know the correct solutions. What am I even doing at this point?
Ugh. There is so much grief building up inside of me that I need to address. It’s a blight. I just want to shine for once in my life in the next few years before I miss my opportunity.
Like any class, this “test” won’t wait around forever. Everything is finite. There is a point where you have to turn in what you got and pray you did the best with what you put forth.
It’s not over yet. I don’t want it to end. Not like this. I know that I can achieve all of the things I want to accomplish if I just keep going forward. I need to dig deep and find that gumption while I still can.
It’s not over yet! No way!
“Progress is perseverance.” – Nhan Pham
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Also published on Medium.